Saturday, March 31, 2007

Gang green...

Hooray! The shed greenhouse is erect and standing proud and glorious in the garden. I have tethered it to the ground with the string and four tent pegs supplied for that eight more of the buggers just to make doubly sure. There was a slight breeze today and when the door flap was open the greenhouse rather worryingly ballooned out.
"Houston.That bogey at 10,'s an unidentified flying shed....there's greenery trailing from it and a strange orange dog-like creature attached to it. Over".
The cats have claimed it as a dry spot to shelter fight already inside whilst the dog raced around outside and howled at them. But my dreams of growing tomatoes has become a reality...some seeds scattered in a little red container courtesy of Tenkos (other world dominating supermarkets available) for £1.99. But I have plans: wellies, straw for the mouth and I can do a farmers voice now ..."Arrr, looks loike rain". Do all farmers have Norfolk accents?
Since the ban I can no longer keep sheep so the cats and cotton wool will have to suffice. Mrs.C rumbled my plan and is fully aware of the wind-up radio, comfy chair and flask of tea on hand for the greenhouse. I just need sunshine.
Some new neighbours are gradually moving in several doors away. About twenty kids have been carrying various bits and pieces past our house for much of the evening. Watching a crowd of 4 - 15 year old girls struggle past with a beats 'man wiv a van' I suppose. However, does this presage fun and games with a crowd of noisy kids on the doorstep? Time will tell. The last woman who had a crowd of kids and lived nearby happened to pop out one Sunday morning to put rubbish out as I walked past with the pooch. 'Popped out ' being the operative phrase because she was naked from the waist down. We both said good morning and she never batted an eyelid, nor anything else for that matter. It brought a smile to my face.... She was also a prolific shoplifter hence her subsequent ban from various local supermarkets. But if you wanted a chicken going cheap....

Friday, March 30, 2007

Timber..."No, Rupert actually".

Achy breaky, achy breaky back, thighs, shoulders, ankles, hips...all over after battle was done. The tree stump lies in the corner of the garden, a poor broken wreck and testiment to humanity's destruction of mother should burn well so wipe that tear away and get the marshmallows.

We won the first part of the quiz with six points! Match the sexual quotes to the famous person. I'm sure Joan of Arc didn't say "Light my fire big boy". As for Mary Whitehouse and the strap-on quote....
Sadly, I had rather too much to drink and consequently everything I did today was to the cacophony in my head...Lords-a-leaping and drummers druming...with Satchmo on trumpet. So I am off for a well earned hot shower and soothing unguents.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's axing for it...

A further day of rest....

Three hours studying.
An hour tree felling.
Shopping... ( axe included).
Buying a parking permit.
Dog walking and checking out potential accommodation for No.1 daughter.
Avoiding the council tax department...honest Officer Dibble, it wasn't me.
When I crashed in front of the box at 4 pm for a spot of infotainment (Did the druids really use persil for whiter whites?)....zzzzzzzzzzzz.

The tree stump is still there, stubborn bastard that it is. It's at such an odd angle and close to the wall so the axe and saw are used in a confined space. I should have gone to B&Q and bought a 'Leif the destroyer' super axe. The £4.99 Wilkinson's one is not quite up to the job and will not frighten any Saxons. Still, I'll go at it again tomorrow with renewed vigour...maybe I'll put the greenhouse a little to the right of the stump and opt for Seany's suggestion of pouring chemicals into it...TNT is made of chemicals.

No.1 daughter has the opportunity of moving from downtown Basra to a street nearby. I had better get more teabags in. She and her housemate have had a succession of neighbours from hell, yoofs using their skills at rearranging street furniture and recycling cars into blackened wrecks...."It's my right, innit?" But the parents of the little darlings seem wholly incapable of controlling the little shits and the courts prefer to blame the victims for having the temerity to want to live quiet, law abiding lives. So daughter is somewhat keen to get out as she is fed up waiting for this lot.

Pub quiz tonight after missing the last two weeks...sharpen up the brain cells and exercise the tastebuds.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Careful with that axe Eugene...

The adventure begins...well the next phase of returning to my roots. I bought a 'disposable' greenhouse. One of those plastic jobbies you can put together and is ok until the winds go above 6 knots and it's off to Kansas, Toto notwithstanding. £35.00 and I can play at farmer Giles with tomatoes, chillis, cucumbers and assorted greenery. Sadly I am rather excited about it all and I have plotted out where to place it, how many extra tent pegs to buy to batten it down with and to scour the market tomorrow for the first plants to go in. I also have my chair, wind-up radio and other comforts of home for my new bolthole. I just hope it is truly waterproof.

There is one more task to attend to before I can set up camp...the tree stumps which stubbornly refuse to be cut down. So my list of tasks tomorrow include buying an axe. Should I buy that before or after I pop into the council tax offices considering my enduring hatred 0f the bastards there. A sharp, shiney unused virgin axe in my sweaty mitts whilst I queue in the office of the last bureaucrats I shouted at over the phone....temptation indeed. Grimsby was founded by the Danes and I can claim to be re-enacting the sacking of government buildings in my search for silver and to satisfy my Beserker bloodlust.
Back to reality and the removal of the tree stumps which are in the exact spot marked out for the 'greenhouse'. I'll feel like one of those frontier woodsman although I'll look more like an extra from the Monty Python Lumberjack sketch. My other scheme for these few days off is to start brewing beer again with the tin of 'Tom Caxton' real ale bought for me two Christmases ago...What with vegetables and brewing I am moving into Tom and Barbara Good territory; just the pigs for bacon and methane plus a Cameron wind turbine: just add hot air and cycle clips.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

What a shower...

Today I met a nice bloke called Kev. Friendly and sociable as we discussed last nights match. I would have preferred to meet him in the pub over a pint instead of in my kitchen as he poked and prodded the innards of the gas boiler.
Yes, we have no bananas hot water.
Whoever stated cold showers are bracing deserves a brace of pheasants up their jacksy. It is not bracing or character forming, unless you wish to recreate Spartan psychopathic warriors.
The water was icy cold but only after I had been lulled into soaping my body and having to rinse off. It will be cold water until Tuesday when another engineer will have the requisite part....a small £2.00 diaphragm.
"For want of a nail..."

So I began the day refreshed and invigorated....


Saturday, March 24, 2007


I've been giving some thought to blogging over the past week, mainly because I have not had much time for blogging and I have been occupied elsewhere. I have a number of blogs I check out when the opportunity presents. Some are very good, in terms of entertainment, informative and a good selective window into someone's life.
My blog by comparison is somewhat staid and at times directionless. Maybe I need a blogging consultant to set me targets, give me an identity and to meet the needs of a selected target group. Perhaps I should endorse green policies, fit a wind turbine and recycle old ideas. Perhaps I need to adopt a more shocking identity, swear more...tell stories about alcohol fuelled, testosterone driven nights of confrontations involving brief sweaty exchanges of bodily fluids and false mobile numbers....down at the kebab shop.If that was the case I would be out doing that and not blogging. I could always tell stories about my youth, if only I could remember it. That I am afraid is down to too much alcohol and other recreational activities. I thought as one got older one's memories of youth came to the fore. I am reaching an age where the injuries of youth (rugby, cycling, falling out of trees...don't ask)catch up and the damp climate is noticeable in one's joints. But why my left shoulder...what the hell did I do to that? My money's on that bloody tree.
As for blogging, I'll stick with my quiet and staid blog. I'm off for a beer and to play some Metallica as the England match is so booooring. Overpaid primadonnas the lot of them...Let's recruit the team from the Championship instead of the premiership...Nil-nil...wankers. (Oops! Swearing).

Thursday, March 22, 2007



Gordon Bennett!(not Brown).
Firstly, a mouse that turns into a lemming and pc.
Secondly, a leurgy from hell and unfortunately in my innards...yeuch. I soldiered on at work the trouper that I am...basks in reflected glory.
Thirdly, work gets busy plus no staff = no time for play as OU work still has to be done.
So my first real opportunity to blog and I am off to bed in a few minutes...


*Cheers '' for the image.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Up at the crack of dawn on my day off despite a couple of Old Peculiers last night and watching Spurs do their magic on the box. It was so bright outside I leapt crawled out of bed only to discover it was 06.30. My lie-in consisted of a total of 35 minutes. One advantage was a lengthy early walk with the mutt and OU studies attended to earlier in the day. Time left to enjoy the day in less active pursuits.
One disadvantage of my studies is the need for gallons of tea. Not in itself a bad thing but the fig rolls and other assorted biscuits aren't good for me. But carrots, apples, etc...just do not go with tea. I'll have to redevelop my willpower again, no, not windpower although baked beans could help there.

Wasps in the park...


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Well swing me by me short 'n' curlies and call me Cyril. I've a day off after several hard days at the coalface...bathed in a tin bath in front of the fire and Mother's made me tea.
What's been a happenin' in the real world of da mejah?

Seven year olds to learn Mandarin and Klingon.
Uncle Tone wants a bigger weapon.
Peter's telephone blues.
Some Lords to be made homeless.
Little Lil kicking paparazzi...I hope mamarazzi and the little razzi's got away.

That's the front page of 'The Murderoch Times' read and cogitated.

To be truthful, I am just plain knackered and I am enjoying the Mike Harding show plus a glass of Old Peculier...Lovely, my first for six days and like the Angel Falls, refreshing to the eye and tastebuds.
Back to the OU grindstone tomorrow so tonight is a delightful interlude.

Here's another delightful interlude.

She still looks gorgeous today...


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

More pane...

Grimsby is a dangerous place.
Last night a neighbour knocked at the front door.
N - "Do you own a red Honda Jazz?"
M - "Yes...what's the problem (Thinks "Oh shit!")
N - "Someone's broken into your car, they've busted the back window".
Cue scramble for respectable clothing and rush to beloved motor.
N - "Have they stolen anything?"
I'm frantically scrutinizing the interior amidst shattered glass.
M - (Just my peace of mind)"No...everything is there" I reply puzzledly.
N - "I wouldn't slam the door..."
M - "!"

Tinkle tinkle....
M - "Oops".

Phone calls to various bods including polis and RAC.
The latter get to me just before midnight and after fitting a perspex window in lieu of a real one we discover the culprit....a small sharp stone, possibly fired up the window at great velocity by a speeding motorist. After I had spent a few hours mouthing obscenities and threats at any likely looking candidates for petty thievery and vandalism.

The dangerous bit?
What if that stone had hit someone in the face instead of the 1,000's to one chance of my car window. To cap it all....some seagull dropped a turd the size and consistency of jade goody's brain on my windscreen. Not a lot but the angle and velocity has spread it far and wide. What do those buggers eat? When did chips come in a green sauce? Small stones perhaps or olive stones...

"Left a bit...left a bit..."

We don't get Albatrosses up here do we?


Sunday, March 11, 2007

Walking the mutt around the more urban parts of GY.
..."GY, GY, so good they named it twice"... no, not even Old Blue Eyes could have got away with that line. GY,NEL* doesn't quite have the same resonance!

A familiar view for regular users of the A180 entering Grimsby.

Oddly enough I do like living in the centre of town as a confirmed urbanite but I was looking at accommodation in London for a mate who is considering moving dahn sahf. Bizarrely, he does not know where the job is based or which part of London he may be moving to. Hmmm....We'll see if this move comes off.
But looking at available flats to let and it is utter madness. The cheapest bedsit I found is on White Hart Lane (Holy ground) which I thoroughly recommended to him as he is a gooner** and will just fit in nicely there. But at £170 per week!!!!
I then made the mistake of checking out 2 bedroomed flats for sale in Finchley where I sold my flat ten years ago. One cool flannel for my brow and a stiff whisky later.
I had bought my flat for £40k back in 1994...price today: £280k.
Faahking 'ell as one exclaims dahn sahf.
Mind you, I am glad to have escaped the rat race and prefer this old backwater where the pace of life is much slower, the green bits are more extensive and the sea is not too far away. No.1 whinges because he believes London would be more exciting but he can always discover that for himself when he's an adult. Although I will take him for a day out to see the sites and then to where he lived until he was five years old. He was born in Islington just like his dear old dad. It'll be interesting to hear his impressions of the old Tahn.


* North East Lincolnshire.
** Supporter of arsenal a "cough" football team. White Hart Lane is the home of Spurs and we rejoice in being called 'Yids'.

Friday, March 09, 2007

It arrived in the post this afternoon (First post!) and, although I requested it, I now feel that bit older. My NHS pension scheme benefit prediction for when/if I retire at the age of 60 years. Bloody hell, the next thirteen and a half years will, if anything like the last thirteen years, fly by.
It crept up on me: Radio 2 and El Tel, a liking for jazz, grey hairs on my chest let alone in my beard, tutting at the yoof of today, coppers looking very young... I must officially be an old bugger especially since I've worked as a nurse for over 21 years now. Not bad for a job I just wandered into because every other job was boring and nursing was a creditable alternative to the Foreign Legion. Turned out I actually enjoyed it and I still do, the proper nursey bits and not the paperwork. However, I can see the nuLabour/ToryLite writing on the wall for the NHS as we know it and, despite the need for real change, overpaid google-eyed theorists and management consultants is not the way to change it. If I want a plumber or a carpenter I employ them to do the job in hand. If I need their advice I ask them, not a management consultant with no experience of plumbing or carpentry. The NHS is staffed with experts who just might have some ideas of their own if they were but asked.
So I asked for pension predictions and I can now tentatively plan ahead, although the committee upstairs might have other ideas as to whether I make it that far. I still spent a fruitful hour drooling over homes for sale in Brittany and Normandy....I can dream...

Friday's nice bloke...
...Derek Griffiths.


Thursday, March 08, 2007


My feet hurt!
Having walked miles today with the mutt in my effort to get fit, I may have overdone it. A long soak in a footspa with various sweet smelling salts and liberally applied cream, they still hurt. Massaging the cream in made me think about reflexology. A money spinning idea if ever one was needed; with wet wipes and a full kit including creams, towels, etc...Offer tired commuters a personal 20 minutes of reflexology as they wait for their train/ plane/shanks' pony. Even if only one in every four accepted it I am sure one could make a living. I am sure someone else already offers this service, probably in China or India but if it isn't offered over here, you can have this idea gratis from me. Set up a stall at King's Cross station or London Bridge and Bob's yer uncle.
The fleabag collapsed in a heap but one hour later she was bouncing around the garden with a ball with no sign of having run for miles. I think I last had that sort of energy at seventeen.
Still, if I have a comfortable seat tonight I'm sure I can manage the a beer or two.


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Lovely evening walk with the pooch...
Past the kids kicking a football around in the car park.
Past the woman swearing at the cashpoint with two young children running and shouting behind her until she shouts at them.
Past the woman who looks as though she has done ten rounds with Tyson and ten years with Tennent's.
Past the evening shoppers hurrying home from Sainsbury's.
Past the fellow dog walker.

So far so good....

Past the two chav lookouts for the local drugs deal.
Yep, the scum/leeches/something rotten in the state of Denmark/insert your own choice here/ are back, possibly because the police have moved them on.
Gods but I do so hate them...

No.1 son has now turned fourteen and today he returned from school with literature for the duke of edinburgh* award. So we looked at what he needs to do to achieve a bronze award. There is a goodly variety including taxidermy. What?!!
I removed the pets to safety and covered their ears before I explained to No.1 what taxidermy is.
"Naah, I don't want to do that".
Naturally his eyes alighted upon the outdoor activities as well as weights, pool and snooker. He also spotted the fire service and Mrs C. suggested the first aid.
I suggested philately will get you everywhere... but a map might be better.
He is going to consider his options as well as see what his mates are doing.
Maybe those dealers are doing their gold award community service bit for the elderly and pain relief?

I am off to cheer on PSV Eindoven.


* I am not overly fond of royalty either.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Phew! First assignment completed and posted off to the OU.
A few days of concentrated studying, writing and rewriting with numerous cups of tea and Radio 3 as 'background noise ambience'. Thank you for word which makes the whole process easier.Having not studied for a few years it has been a hard slog and a relief to complete the first of five assignments. I am also enjoying the process of studying which has really surprised me.
However, what with work and studying Jack's been a dull boy indeed. Apart from yesterdays quiz at t'local I've not ventured out socially for ages. Sadly this might remain the case for several more weeks as I have more of the same.
Ona happier note, I've invested in some new walking boots as I plan to get out in them there hills as the weather improves and get some exercise and fresh air....Oh! There 'may' be pubs as well...

Ian McMillan...
...Friday's nice bloke.