Friday, February 03, 2012



That  has been my approach to today after I contacted the council about removing a couple of mattresses. 'That will be £20-00 and we can collect the items on the 23rd of February' was the response to my query. I decided to take the mattresses to the local tip myself. I felt like the main act in Sykes' "The Plank" but in my case two large mattresses, one small car and a dodgy neck / shoulder. It was a bloody pantomime: to me, to you... open the doors... remove second mattress, fold in half again... remove mattress... rest try folding other way... anger and bloody mindedness won and both mattresses went in. Points to me after several rounds until I realised I would be crammed into the car as well for the two mile trip. Unable to see two of the mirrors and squeezed into a significantly shorter space than was really comfortable for me... we set off. Thankfully my erratic driving style and "The Who" blasting out of the open windows as I cranked the stereo up to 11 maintained an open road for me to meander along. I swear that traffic cop was laughing.
At the council tip I was directed to container number 6. More fun and games ensued as I realised I couldn't move my left arm or hold anything heavier than a gerbil. Mattress no. 1 came out, fell in the mud, picked up and transferred said mud to my clothes and face as I attempted and failed to heft it over my head. After three attempts I rested, retrieved my by now muddy hat from the puddle it fell in but did not realise this until it sat on my head. I charged the container and gradually inched the mattress into the waiting maw. I then looked at mattress no. 2...
 As I manfully hauled it into an upright position a council employee appeared in regulation Hi Viz jacket, walkie talkie and helmet. Hooray! The cavalry has arrived but no, he manoeuvred mattress no.1 into a position in the container which accorded with his feng shui and he then left. I charged again at the container whilst fired up with righteous indignation and succeeded in merely resting it against the side and out of the mud. Three further attempts finally saw it alongside its fellow which I then manoeuvred into my approximation of feng shui... Bloodied, muddy, sore and by now a veteran of mattress manoeuvreing I drove home.
That third bloody mattress can wait until another day... Pain killers, cider and a lovely home made pork casserole may revive me but my new mattress will be heaven sent tonight as I collapse into the arms of Morpheus.

TTFN.

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