Well that's 95% of humanity sorted...
I popped into my local bank to sort out some odds and ends when out of the blue they offered to upgrade my bank account.
Busty* Teller: "Your account Mr C is more suitable for 16 year olds, would you like an upgrade?"
Me: "Bloody hell, I've been asking for three years now so, hell yes I'd like to upgrade".
BT: "Why have you got this account rather than a proper current account which earns interest?"
Me: "Surely you've got my records. The clue is in those words there: unreliable, financial haemmorhage, five year olds with matches and access to the blue touch paper of that there Chinese firework next to the full petrol can..."
Notwithstanding my faecetiousness I now have a shiny new bank account and the catch I hear you cry?
The bank gets the opportunity to make money out of a financially feckless loon like me during this current 'temporary upset' in the world of money, credit and general economic woe. I was even offered a cheque book...I thought they had disappeared now that plastic is king. The other catch is that although I still have the old account, I now have to chase up and rearrange all of my direct debits, etc...Some of these were arranged when No 1 son's musical tastes focused upon the spice girls
and I have no idea where the paperwork is.
They also offered me a mortgage. Let's be honest here: I was somewhat hungover, unshaven and wearing scruffy clothes covered in dog hair after the morning walk with the aforesaid beastie. I felt like shit and I am certain I looked exactly how I felt. Are the banks desperate to flog the last drops out of the customer before the credit crunch becomes a full blown recession? Pope, bears, catholic, wood and defecation is the answer to that rhetorical question...
I declined because although my current mortgage is not the best, dealing with financial advisors is very bad for my health and sanity. Also, there is not a hole large enough to bury those fuckers in. How else did I end up in a financial mess in the first place but by listening to one of these fuckers in the first place.
To learn about finances from an objective and knowledgeable viewpoint try here
I'm off to enjoy a cup of tea and watch Celebrity Masterchef with the shouty men.
*Who says men don't notice things?